im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I have fence marks all over my body
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize