Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
