On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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