My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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