I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
