i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
