who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
