i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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