I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
