He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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