You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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