Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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