I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
