you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
