Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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