i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
