Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
