So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Your penis caused this!
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