Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
