Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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