We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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