If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
The air taste purple.
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