So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
