so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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