dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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