Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize