First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Still dying that you shit outside
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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