Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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