Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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