I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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