I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
