i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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