dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
We are two peas in an std pod
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
