Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize