did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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