we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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