You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
