I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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