we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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