I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Couch. On fire.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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