just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
