Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Randomize
