i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
