his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
