Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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