Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize