Soap is not a condiment
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
