between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
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