hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
