Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
