Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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