Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
