when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
