Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
