Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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