She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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