I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
