He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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