Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Who did Billy Mays play for?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
