do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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