some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
